Category Archives: I Am a Business Owner

Someone Broke Into My Apartment Last Night!

It was Q.  You got scared for a second there, didn’t you?  I WISH I’d had a camera, because it was probably the coolest and most alarming thing I’ve ever seen.  He scaled up the side of the building like Spiderman (and I do not live on the first floor), ripped out a screen, climbed in the window, and then let me in the door.  It was awesome, except then I was like, “Jeebus, you just did that way too easily.  I’m never breaking up with you because you scare me.”  And then he threatened to kill me if I ever left him.  And then I threatened to kill him first if he ever left me again, and then I think that made him feel bad for leaving me before because then he made me dinner.

The reason Q had to break into my apartment is because Elbat refused to let me in because I’m an idiot who walks out without my keys on a regular basis and also because he’s a cat and cats can’t open doors, even though I think they could if they wanted to, but they just want you to do everything for them. I couldn’t go get my spare because it was like 3 a.m. and my mom would have probably hit Q with a baseball bat if he had broken into her house at 3 a.m. (thinking he was a burglar, not because she walks around hitting people with baseball bats).   So I had Q scale up the side of my building because I’m considerate.  (In retrospect, we’re both real lucky he didn’t fall and die.)  And now I’m thinking that maybe he and I should break into houses instead of painting them because we might make more money that way.  It’s a little riskier, but it would sound way cooler when someone asks me what I do.

Example 1:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I own a residential painting company.  We also do junk hauling, power washing, and various other labor-intensive things that people don’t feel like doing themselves.  Here’s my card.  I can also walk your dog.  Or cat.  Whatever you need.  I’m kind of like a prostitute, but for manual labor, not sex.”

Stranger: “Cool, I was actually looking for someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “Did you just do air quotes when you said ‘clean out my gutters’?”

Stranger: “No, I actually need someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “You’re an asshole.  Find someone else to ‘clean out your gutters’, pervert.”


Example 2:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I break into people’s houses in the middle of the night and steal anything I think I can unload at the pawn shop for a decent amount of cash.”

Stranger: “What?”

Me: “I just lifted your wallet and your house key.  See you later.”


See how much cooler Example 2 sounds?  In Example 1, I just sound like a jerk.  By the way, Q and I decided to start a business since I couldn’t find a full time job.  I’m still scraping by, but hopefully things’ll pick up, because working for yourself is a million times more awesome than working for someone else.  Terrifyingly unsteady, but still way more awesome.

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