Category Archives: Adventures with Q

Someone Broke Into My Apartment Last Night!

It was Q.  You got scared for a second there, didn’t you?  I WISH I’d had a camera, because it was probably the coolest and most alarming thing I’ve ever seen.  He scaled up the side of the building like Spiderman (and I do not live on the first floor), ripped out a screen, climbed in the window, and then let me in the door.  It was awesome, except then I was like, “Jeebus, you just did that way too easily.  I’m never breaking up with you because you scare me.”  And then he threatened to kill me if I ever left him.  And then I threatened to kill him first if he ever left me again, and then I think that made him feel bad for leaving me before because then he made me dinner.

The reason Q had to break into my apartment is because Elbat refused to let me in because I’m an idiot who walks out without my keys on a regular basis and also because he’s a cat and cats can’t open doors, even though I think they could if they wanted to, but they just want you to do everything for them. I couldn’t go get my spare because it was like 3 a.m. and my mom would have probably hit Q with a baseball bat if he had broken into her house at 3 a.m. (thinking he was a burglar, not because she walks around hitting people with baseball bats).   So I had Q scale up the side of my building because I’m considerate.  (In retrospect, we’re both real lucky he didn’t fall and die.)  And now I’m thinking that maybe he and I should break into houses instead of painting them because we might make more money that way.  It’s a little riskier, but it would sound way cooler when someone asks me what I do.

Example 1:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I own a residential painting company.  We also do junk hauling, power washing, and various other labor-intensive things that people don’t feel like doing themselves.  Here’s my card.  I can also walk your dog.  Or cat.  Whatever you need.  I’m kind of like a prostitute, but for manual labor, not sex.”

Stranger: “Cool, I was actually looking for someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “Did you just do air quotes when you said ‘clean out my gutters’?”

Stranger: “No, I actually need someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “You’re an asshole.  Find someone else to ‘clean out your gutters’, pervert.”

Example 2:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I break into people’s houses in the middle of the night and steal anything I think I can unload at the pawn shop for a decent amount of cash.”

Stranger: “What?”

Me: “I just lifted your wallet and your house key.  See you later.”

See how much cooler Example 2 sounds?  In Example 1, I just sound like a jerk.  By the way, Q and I decided to start a business since I couldn’t find a full time job.  I’m still scraping by, but hopefully things’ll pick up, because working for yourself is a million times more awesome than working for someone else.  Terrifyingly unsteady, but still way more awesome.



Filed under Adventures with Q, I Am a Business Owner

Luray Caverns! Also, I’m the Whitest Person in America.

Q and I went to Luray Caverns last week, which was awesome.  I hadn’t been there since I was a kid.  Stalagmites and stalactites and such.  It’s almost hard to believe that it’s real as you’re walking through it.  My favorite is still the “fried eggs”–

–which totally look like fried eggs except they’re not, they’re rocks, so don’t eat them because you might break your teeth and also get yelled at by your 16-year-old tour guide.  Licking them is also not okay.

I also noticed that some of the stalactites above us had holes in the center.  This bugged me because I wanted to know WHY they were hollow, but Q said that asking him repeatedly didn’t make him suddenly know the answer and so I made a mental note to google it later, which I forgot about until right now.  Brb.

So, apparently, these are “soda straw” stalactites, and they have holes in the middle because water runs down the inside of them and deposits rings of calcite at the tip.  I also learned that I got a “cave kiss”, which is when a drop of water falls on you from one of these soda straws, which sounds a lot more romantic than me screaming that I probably just got a billion-year-old bacteria in my eye.

Q  convinced me to leave my digital camera at home for this trip because I spent too much time messing with it and retaking pictures when we went to the aquarium because they were blurry or off-center, so we each got our own disposable camera instead, and in the end, Q’s film was mostly “attack pictures” of me, in which he’d yell ATTACK! and then I’d look like a deer in headlights and see spots for five minutes:

Where is my mouth

Whitest. Person. Ever.

Eventually I learned to just stop looking at him.

"Stopppp itttt."

They also have a garden maze right next door to the caverns now.  The bushes are eight feet tall so you can’t see over them, and they’re grown on fences so you can’t climb through them.  We actually got pretty lost for awhile and it was kind of embarrassing because there were a bunch of kids that came in after us and beat us to a couple of the goal posts.  In the end though, we made it out before them and waited at the exit to make fun of them when they finally came out.  Just kidding, I would never taunt children.  Instead we went into the gift shop and I got a hat that says “Get Lost” which is almost as awesome as the magnet Q got from the caverns that says “got rocks?”

The end.


Filed under Adventures with Q, Attack!, Luray Caverns