Someone Broke Into My Apartment Last Night!

It was Q.  You got scared for a second there, didn’t you?  I WISH I’d had a camera, because it was probably the coolest and most alarming thing I’ve ever seen.  He scaled up the side of the building like Spiderman (and I do not live on the first floor), ripped out a screen, climbed in the window, and then let me in the door.  It was awesome, except then I was like, “Jeebus, you just did that way too easily.  I’m never breaking up with you because you scare me.”  And then he threatened to kill me if I ever left him.  And then I threatened to kill him first if he ever left me again, and then I think that made him feel bad for leaving me before because then he made me dinner.

The reason Q had to break into my apartment is because Elbat refused to let me in because I’m an idiot who walks out without my keys on a regular basis and also because he’s a cat and cats can’t open doors, even though I think they could if they wanted to, but they just want you to do everything for them. I couldn’t go get my spare because it was like 3 a.m. and my mom would have probably hit Q with a baseball bat if he had broken into her house at 3 a.m. (thinking he was a burglar, not because she walks around hitting people with baseball bats).   So I had Q scale up the side of my building because I’m considerate.  (In retrospect, we’re both real lucky he didn’t fall and die.)  And now I’m thinking that maybe he and I should break into houses instead of painting them because we might make more money that way.  It’s a little riskier, but it would sound way cooler when someone asks me what I do.

Example 1:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I own a residential painting company.  We also do junk hauling, power washing, and various other labor-intensive things that people don’t feel like doing themselves.  Here’s my card.  I can also walk your dog.  Or cat.  Whatever you need.  I’m kind of like a prostitute, but for manual labor, not sex.”

Stranger: “Cool, I was actually looking for someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “Did you just do air quotes when you said ‘clean out my gutters’?”

Stranger: “No, I actually need someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “You’re an asshole.  Find someone else to ‘clean out your gutters’, pervert.”

Example 2:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I break into people’s houses in the middle of the night and steal anything I think I can unload at the pawn shop for a decent amount of cash.”

Stranger: “What?”

Me: “I just lifted your wallet and your house key.  See you later.”

See how much cooler Example 2 sounds?  In Example 1, I just sound like a jerk.  By the way, Q and I decided to start a business since I couldn’t find a full time job.  I’m still scraping by, but hopefully things’ll pick up, because working for yourself is a million times more awesome than working for someone else.  Terrifyingly unsteady, but still way more awesome.



Filed under Adventures with Q, I Am a Business Owner

2 responses to “Someone Broke Into My Apartment Last Night!

  1. Master Hellcow

    Oh, I totally think Elbat could have let you in if he wanted. I’m still convinced he hid your welcome mat that time just to screw with you. Then he looks at you like, “What? I’m just a cat, you know I couldn’t possibly have moved that mat all by myself!” Then snickered behind his paw when you left the room and muttered “Sucker” under his breath.

    Actually I think you should cut Elbat in on the housebreaking thing, he’d probably be better at it than you or Q.

    • sawingonajawbone

      You know, I’m starting to suspect that Betty is actually behind everything. I used to yell at Elbat for eating paint chips off the radiator, and I finally got him to stop doing it, and do you know what I saw the other day? I saw Betty picking paint chips off the radiator and just leaving them on the floor. It’s like she’s trying to give Elbat lead poisoning.

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