Dude. That’s So Gross.

Me:  “Let’s go to happy hour!”

TSGITW:  “Hooray!  I haven’t seen you in FOREVER.”

Me:  “I KNOW. I’m like 6’2″ now.”

TSGITW:  “No way!  I’m an architect!  Together we are… a really tall lying architect?”

I could totally have grown a foot in the last month and a half.  Call ME a liar.  Don’t you watch all those medical mystery shows all day?  I do.  Because I’m still unemployed.  And it could totally happen.  And I would never lie to you about my height.

I sunk to a new low tonight and used my old learner’s permit, which was issued ten years ago and I’m not sure why I still have it but that’s not the point, to get drinks at happy hour at the Usual Spot because I wanted a drink that bad and because my current ID is in Q’s wallet and he had already left for work.  But then me and TSGITW decided to go to the bar down the street when we were done eating and I was all sketchy and like, dude, go get me a beer, because they probably won’t let me use my old learner’s here, but then I walked up to the bar and the bartender was all, “HEY!  I haven’t seen you in awhile!”  And I was embarrassed because, man, I don’t ever remember talking to this bartender, but I guess that’s what happens when you drink.  So I was like, “Yeah, I was in rehab for awhile,” and then he gave me a beer.  Obviously bartenders don’t care about my sobriety.  And then me and TSGITW lived happily ever after.  The end.

So, the other day I got home and the underside of my windowsill was accented with this neat black line, and I was like, That looks nice.  I don’t remember painting that. So I put on my glasses and got closer and then started screaming because it was AN ARMY OF ANTS all marching toward a case of empty beer bottles that I should have taken down to the recycle bin before I decided to not be home for a few days.

So I sprayed them all with Lysol All-Purpose Cleaner (And Ant Killer) and I took the trash out and when my horror subsided, I remembered I still had ant poison from last year (I always have an ant problem in the summer because this is an “all-inclusive community” which apparently means that they don’t discriminate against ants living in my cinder block walls).  But I also have cats, so I can’t just throw around ant poison because the cats might eat it (and by “cats”, I mean Elbat, because he is not really like a cat but like a dog slash vacuum cleaner), so I made a secret ant death box and was going to put ant poison in it so the cat(s) couldn’t get at it–

–so I got on a step stool to get the ant poison off the top of the fridge (okay, so I’m not really 6’2″) and I was ATTACKED BY AN ARMY OF FRUIT FLIES BECAUSE–

–Q likes to put shit on top of the fridge where I can’t see it and then I forget that it’s there, so I started yelling again and ran and got the vacuum and started sucking fruit flies right out of the air and that was actually kinda fun, until I remembered that one time when I sucked a tarantula* up in the vacuum and then I was afraid that it didn’t die, so I put the vacuum cleaner in the bathtub, and my mom was all, “Why the fuck is the vacuum cleaner in the bathtub?” and I was like, “Because there’s a tarantula* in it and I’m afraid it’s going to crawl back out!” and my mom was all, “You’re an idiot.”  But then two hours later she came screaming downstairs all, “There’s a tarantula* in the bathroom!” and I was all, “Told you.”  Which is why my vacuum is now in my washing machine.

*It was not actually a tarantula.  It was bigger.



Filed under My Mom Doesn't Ever Actually Cuss Unless She's Drunk, Why I Should Quit Drinking

2 responses to “Dude. That’s So Gross.

  1. Master Hellcow

    Haha…I am SO like that when I vacuum up spiders, worried that he’s like the Bruce Willis of spiders, all Diehard and shit, and BOY is he gonna be pissed. I’m gonna wake up in the middle of the night and see him looking at me, and saying in his little squeeky spider voice, “Yippee kai AY, motherfucker!”

    • sawingonajawbone

      Dude. When I have a nightmare about a spider yelling yippee kai ay at me, I’m going to save the nightmare, come to your house, and stick it in your ear. For real.

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