When Toes Ruled the Earth It Smelled Really Bad, The Love of My Life is a Drag Queen, and Other Tales from the Unemployed

Hiya, folks.  Sorry for the lack of postings, to the two of you who continue to check my blog on a daily basis. 😉  

Who has been checking my blog every postless day for the past month, anyway?  I feel like I owe you something for your loyalty.  Lapdance?  Cookies?  Wait, unless it’s my TSGITW; I can think of something more awesome and slightly less awkward.  I know, I will write you a poem.  If it’s you.  Is it you?  I’ll write you a poem anyway.

So, I’m still unemployed.  It suhhhhucks.  I feel like such a loser.  I know I’m not really a loser though because I find this state of unemployment extremely uncomfortable, stressful, unfulfilling, depressing, cactus, and bananahammock.  If I was a loser, I’d be all, “This rocks!  I don’t have to do anything all day!  Let’s watch more tv!”

Speaking of tv, I inexplicably started getting cable (yeah, I was cable-less, AND I still use dial up–and what?) when the HD switch happened, which is awesome, and I have been watching the History Channel like 24 hours a day.  Except when Clean House is on, because I’m totally addicted to that show.  It makes me feel better about my messes because the people they have on that show are dirty hoarders on a grand scale, but it also makes me want to clean out my shit.

I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning.  I’ve got more time on my hands than I know what to do with, and I’ve felt extremely antisocial since losing my job (and I’m fairly antisocial as it is–I think I may qualify as a hermit at this point), so I’ve rearranged every single room in my apartment (except the bathroom–moving the toilet proved to be more challenging than I anticipated, so I just moved my soap dispenser to the other side of the sink) (Note to self: call plumber), and I’ve been pulling things out of corners and closets and majorly cleaning out.  I shredded three trash bags full of papers yesterday, no joke.  I had boxes of old bills and pre-approved credit card thingies I didn’t want to just throw in the trash whole, so they just kept piling up, and it felt good to get that shit out of the studio.  My “studio” had become a catch-all over the past year because I was hardly ever in there, but now it’s all, “Hey baby, don’t you wanna come in and paint on this nice, clean surface?”  And I’m all, “Oh yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?  You wanna get all dirty, don’t you?  I’ll get you all dirty, you filthy whore.”  

Cleaning out the studio has also been like opening a Pandora’s Box o’ Memories.  Some good, some sad, some really funny, and if I can figure out how to get pictures off my camera and onto this computer, or if I can resurrect my scanner, I may have to do a few Things I Found In The Bottom Of A Box That I Find Hilarious But You Maybe Had To Have Been There I See You Yawning Don’t Read My Blog If You Don’t Find Me Entertaining I’m ‘Bout To Bitchslap You Through Your Monitor If You Roll Your Eyes At My Fond Memories One More Time Because This Blog Isn’t FOR YOU It’s For ME posts.  

For example, I found my little brother’s 2nd grade school picture.  Y’know how you used to trade wallet-sized school pictures with your friends and you’d write, “You’re a great friend!” or some other sweet message on the back, like,

Satan,
What the hell?!  Don’t do
that!  That’s gross!  Young
ladies aren’t supposed to
pick their noses in front
of gentlemen!  
Love, Nasuy**

Well, I guess I told my brother to “write something” on the back of his school picture for me, so he wrote,

When toes ruled the Earth,
it smelled really bad!!  
–Tony

 So true, Tony.  So true.

(**I did not make that up, that’s actually what one of my friends wrote on the back of her picture for me in 10th grade.  She did call me Satan, and I called her Nasuy, which was her name, Yusan, backwards.  We were so cool back then.  Ha, that just reminded me, I also found a card from TSGITW from like 8th grade addressed to “Rat”.  I may also have to do a post on my past nicknames and what they said about my personality, ha.)

I also found a bunch of drawings for this children’s book I had started years ago.  Seeing the illustrations and reading the half-finished story with an objective eye (objective because I had completely forgotten the whole thing) was encouraging, because I actually found myself laughing at my own ideas and it made me want to pick it up and work on it again.  Ever found something you wrote or drew that you’d completely forgotten about and thought, “Hey, I’m pretty good!”?  It’s a good feeling.  I’m a horrid self-critic, so it was pretty cool and surprising to be delighted by myself.

So, I keep telling people getting fired may be one of the best things that ever happened to me, but I can’t say that with any confidence until I actually have another job.  But I’m in a surprisingly positive state of mind for having no income and very little savings.  You don’t realize how much something is sucking the life out of you until you get away from it.  It wasn’t a bad job, it paid well, but I need some sort of mental stimulation or I go bananahammock.  I need a job that takes a little thought and makes me feel useful.  I used to work in a genealogy library, and even just finding documents for people kept me engaged.  It wasn’t hard, but it required a little resourcefulness and knowledge of how and where to find what.  And there was the satisfaction of actually helping people with their research, helping them find another piece of their puzzle.  Know what I’m sayin’?

Stop!

Poem time!

For TSGITW:

Lala is so pretty,
Lala is so smart;
Lala has a giant brain,
And a big humongous heart.

Me and Lala met
Back in middle school;
We were instant bff’s because
We were both so effin’ cool.

Now we’re all grown up,
And Lala’s still the best;
And she will be my bff
For the rest

of my life.

The End.

 

I’m going to end this post right about here.  It’s been lovely chatting with you again, although next time maybe you wanna serve refreshments or something.  Just sayin’.  My throat’s a little dry from blathering on for so long.  Oh!  Speaking of eating, I actually found (well, Q found) an awesome diet.  We’ve been doing it for a week, and it’s not even really a diet– like, I’m not eating less, I’m just eating six small meals a day.  It’s treestump, ’cause you eat every 2-3 hours, so you never really get hungry.  I’m pretty bad about eating– I would always wait way too long to eat and then I’d be starved so I’d eat way too much, so I’d go from feeling all shaky and empty to all tired and grossly full, because by the time I ate, I was probably too hungry and impatient to cook anything, so I’d probably eat a 12″ chicken cheesesteak with extra mayo and a bucket of onion rings, and that’s just not good for a girl’s figure.  So this way, I never overeat, and I don’t have those ups and downs, and it supposedly keeps your metabolism up, although I can’t see my metabolism, so I don’t know if that’s true.  If any of this is actually interesting to you, I’m getting my info out of The Abs Diet and the other Abs Diet book with more recipes.  The book’s sort of a sensationalistic read, but I dig the main idea of eating a bunch of small meals, and choosing healthier options like lowfat dairy products and whole wheat bread and pasta.  My only beef with this thing is that we’ve replaced BACON with TURKEY bacon.  I think that goes against my religion.  (Dear Mr. Zinczenko, please feel free to send me money for plugging your book.  As you may have read, I am unemployed and could really use the cash.  I’ll even post before and after pictures if I can manage to keep up with this for five more weeks.  Call me and we’ll talk numbers.)

Well, now that I’ve gone on and on about every facet of my existence in this post, I’ll leave you with this…

I’d like you to meet the love of my life:

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8 Comments

Filed under Pandora's Box o' Memories, R.I.P. Job, Such Is Life, The Love of My Life, Well of COURSE I look fat from this angle, You Should Hire Me For Something

8 responses to “When Toes Ruled the Earth It Smelled Really Bad, The Love of My Life is a Drag Queen, and Other Tales from the Unemployed

  1. Master Hellcow

    Nasuy…that totally explains Elbat. Which of course I knew already, and why I told you he had to have been the one to break the table. Cause I’m trams that way.

    Sorry about the job, but you know no one can handle us INTJ’s for long. We inevitably piss people off, although maybe it’s the laughing in their face that they don’t like. I should really stop that.

    Miss you and stuff.

  2. sawingonajawbone

    I like to do that to people. And cats. Your name? Not so fun. Divad. It just looks like I switched the vowels. Wait, lemme start over.

    Dear Woclleh Retsam,

    (That’s totally better.) Hey, I think I’m very easy to work with. I really wasn’t fired for my job performance, and my coworkers were all shocked ’cause they love me (or at least like me). I just got on one guy’s bad side I guess. INTJ Scorpio Gal + Chauvinist Pig Jerkface = I lose, but only because he was taller and had more authority.

    Miss you too, dude! Thank for visiting my new digs! 🙂

    • Master Hellcow

      I don’t know, Divad sounds vaguely eastern european or something. Or Klingon. I used to have a Chilean girlfriend who pronounced it “Daveed”, which made me feel like Antonio Banderas.

      Haras sounds Middle Eastern. We could have fun introducing ourselves at parties as Haras and Divad, don’t you think? Until we got arrested as terrorists.

      But if I ever get cast in the next Star Wars movie, I’m totally using Woclleh Retsam.

  3. thesmartestgirlintheworld

    I check your blog through my Google homepage every day, does that count? I did visit a time or 7, too, to show people our awesome kickball logo and also to poke fitfully at old posts and sigh longingly, hoping for new ones to appear. Also to watch you pick your nose a few more times.

    That is the best poem ever! I’m so glad we’re BFF’s. No one understands us but our woman. (SHAFT!)

  4. thesmartestgirlintheworld

    Yes! And if you do it while we are drinking margaritas, no one will notice when you wipe your fingers… I’m gonna stop that right there. It’s too gross, even for me. My nights are tied up this week but could you get out of bed for lunch one day? Also you, Q if he wants, me, Bill, Jerzy Shore from the night of the 14th through the 16th of August? We’ll discuss.

    • sawingonajawbone

      I thermometer picked my nose tonight and you DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE.

      I wanna go to the beach so bad. I haven’t blinded people with my whiteness in years. I’m going with you before the summer is over, dammit.

      • thesmartestgirlintheworld

        You did?! What was I doing? Was I blinded by alcohol? Damnit, we have to do this all over again now!

        Hehe. I think the next weekend we are going is probably Sept… 12th and 13th. I will have to check with Bill for sure, but don’t plan to dogsit until I know! 😀

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