I Broke My Scale Yesterday / Do Me in the Ear

Mom: “You look like you lost some weight.”

Me: “Nah, I’ve just been wearing these jeans for four days. They’re all stretched out. They’re not dirty. Smell them. I swear they’re not dirty. I Febrezed them. Stop looking at me like you’re disappointed.”

I broke my scale yesterday. Busted the little clear plastic piece with the red line on it where you line up the zero RIGHT the fuck out. Popped that bitch out and split it in half.

I may have been jumping on it to see how much I would weigh on Jupiter when that happened.

That’s not a good way to figure out how much you weigh on Jupiter, it turns out. I figured that out here. 295.5 lbs., if you’re wondering. I would crush my own legs. Awesome.

Even more awesome is that I would weigh 17,500,000,000,000 lbs. if I lived on a neutron star.

I have big holes in my ears. I know, everybody has holes in their ears. Smartass. But I have really big holes in my earlobes, because I still think that sort of thing is cool, even though I’m technically in my late twenties and therefore should be looking at nursing homes rather than hanging onto punkrock fads, according to Q, who is a few months younger than me, and claims he prefers “older women”, a category I apparently fall under because I am decrepit. Anyway, consequently, my earrings are generally big, but I recently got this bitchin’ pair of wooden hoops that are humongous, like this:

*Not actual photo. My lips are much neon-pinker in real life. Also, the nose is all wrong.  And I totally look like I have helmet hair, but I really don't.  The eyebrows are pretty spot on though, which makes sense since I also draw them on my face so I SHOULD be really good at drawing them.**<br>**Haha, that just reminded me: Q: "I'm 100% sure that she is the father, Maury!  This baby ain't got no eyebrows, just like her daddy!"

**Not an actual photo of me. My lips are much neon-pinker in real life. Also, the nose is all wrong. And I totally look like I have helmet hair and a spider on my eyeball, but I really don't. The eyebrows are pretty spot on though, which makes sense since I also draw them on my face so I SHOULD be really good at drawing them. Haha, that just reminded me: The other day Q exclaimed with teary eyes: "I'M 100% SURE THAT SHE IS THE FATHER, MAURY! This baby ain't got no eyebrows, just like her daddy!" Jerk. I don't actually have a child, we were just pretending to be on the Maury show, because that is one of the ways we spend quality time together.

J noticed them today and was like, “You got new earrings!” And I was like, “Yeah, they’re wood!” Then there was this awkward momentary pause where I thought she might say that they were “awesome” or “stunning” or “totally bitchin”, or tell me that she wasn’t an idiot and could see that they were wood, but she took too long, so instead I jumped in and went, “I can knock on my head, see?” and then I made a fist and knocked on my earring. “If I need to knock on wood. Because maybe I said something wouldn’t happen and then I don’t want to jinx myself so this way I always have wood. In my ear.” And then I wished Q was there because he would have made a joke about doing me in the ear. And that’s why he’s my soulmate. Even though he makes fun of my eyebrows. And then I went back into my office. The End.

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Filed under Knock on Wood, L Probably Would Also Have Made a Joke About Doing Me in the Ear Because She Is Also My Soulmate and If She Moves to the UK I'm Probably Going to Have to Buy a Mannequin, Name It After Her and Then When She Emails Me From the UK I Will Read It Out Loud and Pretend That the Mannequin is Saying It

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