I was wrong when I said I probably wasn’t going to die of swine flu. I’ve been getting progressively sicker since Saturday, except the whole weekend I was still hoping it was just a hangover. Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to die. I’ve been coughing up pigs all day. Hahaha. Ah. Cold medicine totally makes me more funny.
I’m trying to look on the bright side here though.
1. I get to stay home from work, and I feel horrible enough that I don’t feel guilty for calling in sick. (I usually feel guilty for calling in sick even though I’m actually sick. But I was raised Catholic, so pretty much everything I do causes some amount of guilt.)
2. Pirate movies and court tv all day.
3. I might actually lose a couple pounds. I would like to see a segment on the news that’s like, “The Lighter Side of the Swine Flu: Lose Weight Without Diet or Exercise: Just Swallow Your Own Phlegm for a Week”.
4. By the way, I keep saying I have the swine flu, but this is an unconfirmed case, in case you’re a reporter or something. I’m not planning on going to the doctor. It’s not that bad. I never go to the doctor, because I believe in my immune system. Except for that one time when I was hallucinating and then passed out on the bathroom floor. Even then I was like, “No, no, I’m fine. I just need to get all these fucking rainbows out of here, and then I’ll be able to breathe again. Give me a dustpan.” I’m just calling it the swine flu to freak out all my coworkers. But it totally could be, because it’s just a flu, except a whole lot easier to catch, and since I hardly ever catch the colds and shit that fly around, it could very well be <ominous music> the swine flu </ominous music>.
5. Elbat is the most awesome cat in the history of cats. He weighs like 17 lbs., he loves to cuddle, he follows me around like a dog, I’m pretty sure he loves me even more than my own mother, and he’s completely unfazed by my loud and convulsive fits of coughing right now. He’s just laying here in my lap, reminding me of the great power of gravity he can harness, calm as a tub of yogurt.
5. I like to think of illness as an easy way to rack up karma points. Karmic-point-wise, I’m pretty sure this is worth way more positive points than the negative points I earned for unapologetically stealing Q’s cheeseburger.
I’m going to stop here, because my ability to spell and type, and think, has decreased significantly since I got online to email L and then started this post. My delete key is all, “Please stop hitting me.”
I’m going to go lay back down. Oink oink.