Sometime last week, I tried to paint my nails while drinking. I painted my left pinky nail and then apparently gave up. Q was like, “What is that, your crack nail?” Which I didn’t really get because I don’t *do* drugs.
Then yesterday I was in the public restroom at work, and I noticed that I had some dry skin around my left nostril. Y’know, the kind that makes you look like you should have wiped your nose better last time you blew it. So I started scratching at it carefully with my pinky nail to get rid of it.
Let me pause here and tell you about the Restroom Sniffle. Some of you ladies may know about this, but if you don’t, start listening for the subtle ways in which a woman will let you know that she’s in a stall in an otherwise empty restroom. I find that the Restroom Sniffle and its alternatives, like the Bathroom Foot Shuffle, usually occur in that awkward moment of silence where the person in the stall hasn’t started peeing yet, or is taking a poo, and wants to alert the person who just came into the restroom that they are not alone. The point of the Restroom Sniffle is not to smell anything, god no, but just to make a slight noise to alert someone of your presence in case they came in to snort crack off their pinky nail. Which brings me back to my story.
So, I was standing in front of the mirror, leaning over the sink, scratching carefully around my nostril with a shiny black pinky nail, and a woman walked in. This is rather unusual for this particular bathroom. Even though it’s public, it gets very little traffic, and I rarely encounter another person in there. Startled and embarrassed that I might look like I was picking my nose, I panicked and did an overly enthusiastic Restroom Sniffle with my pinky still up to my nostril. The woman’s eyes widened, her chin jerked back, and she looked away quickly and practically ran into a stall.
Mortified, I tried to explain that I wasn’t doing drugs, but she wouldn’t respond, and she then wouldn’t even give me a Sniffle or a Foot Shuffle either, so I wasn’t sure if she was even still in the stall. It was like she just evaporated…