WTF, Bananas?

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Filed under Poll Dancing for Tips, The Great Mysteries of Life

Don’t Read This If You’re Sensitive To Snowman Racial Issues

One year I made a snowman and then I filled a spray bottle with water and blue food coloring and sprayed the whole thing blue.  It was awesome.  A couple years later (tonight), this conversation happened:

Mom:  “We should make a snowman tomorrow!”

Me:  “Will you actually make one with me this time instead of saying you will but then letting me roll around your yard all by myself like that one time when all your neighbors probably thought I was either retarded or really lonely because I was like 25 and making a snowman ALL BY MYSELF?”

Mom:  “Oh!  Was that the time you sprayed it blue?  That was awesome.  Shoot, we should’ve gotten food coloring when we were at the store.”

Dad:  “We have Kool-Aid.”

Mom:  “That would work!”

Dad:  “Um, let’s see, we have black cherry–”

Me:  “Yeah, let’s make a black snowman.  Out of Kool-Aid.”

Mom:  “Oh lord, we’d offend someone.”

Dad:  “Y’know what though?  Why they always gotta be white?  I’m a little offended about that.”

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Filed under I'm Going To Make A Vanilla Snowman And A Black Cherry Snowman Holding Hands So They Will Be An Interracial Gay Snowcouple Because I'm Progressive, My Dad is Awesome

The Mona Sarah

I just noticed this while adding a photo to my blog:

.

And so I had to do this:

"The Mona Sarah"

Speaking of how smart I am…

Q:  “Let’s move to Hawaii.”

Me:  “Okay!”

Q:  “There’s a word for people like me there, half Samoan or Asian or whatever.”

Me:  “Hoppa?”

Q:  “Yeah, hoppa.  Wait, how do you know that word?”

Me:  “I dunno.”

Q:  “No, where did you hear that?”

Me:  “I just know things.”

Q:  “Why are you trying not to laugh?  How do you know that word?”

Me:  “Nothing, I just heard it somewhere.”

Q:  “Where did you hear it?”

Me:  “I don’t know.”

Q:  “I’m not going to drop this.  Where did you hear it?”

Me:  “Just, a tv show.”

Q:  “What tv show?”

Me:  “I don’t wanna say.”

Q:  “Come on.”

Me:  “I don’t wanna say.”

Q:  “Something on the History Channel?”

Me:  “No.”

Q:  “PBS?”

Me:  “No.”

Q:  “Something stupid on MTV or VH1?”

Me:  “Psh, no.”

Q:  “Tell me!”

Me:  “No!”

Q:  “Tell me!”

Me:  “FINE, I LEARNED IT FROM TYRA ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.”

Q:  “Oh.”

Me:  “See, a minute ago you thought I was smart for knowing the word hoppa.  Now you think I’m stupid for watching America’s Next Top Model.  You should just leave my sources of information alone.  Oh, here’s your change from when I went to the grocery store yesterday.”

Q:  “…These are beer bottle caps.”

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Filed under My Awesome Photoshop Skillz

My Arm Is Oozing Plasma

It’s gross.

Q gave me a tattoo for my birthday, and that’s why my arm is leaking.  It’s the most awesomest thing ever. I’ll post a picture when it’s not gross anymore.

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Filed under Best Birthday Present Ever, Tattooses, Things That Are Oozing Out of My Arm

Vegetarian Zombies

This is like the THIRD time I’ve had a dream about zombies who only eat vegetables.  And yet, for some reason, I’m still terrified and running away from them.  It’s like, deep down, I think I’m made of vegetables.

And then I also wonder, why, if they only eat vegetables, are they all covered in blood?  Is it actually beet juice?  Are they putting ketchup on their leafy greens?  That’s gross.

And also, how are they multiplying if they’re not biting people? Is it like, if you eat from the same head of lettuce as a zombie, then you’ll turn into a zombie too?  If that’s the case, then why am I so afraid??  Just don’t eat the lettuce!  Look, I’m doing it right now.  I’m not eating lettuce.

Also, on a sad note, TSGITW moved to Nova Scotia.  And yet, we’re still supposed to meet for coffee in like, a day.  I’m curious to see how you’re going to drive from Nova Scotia to Starbucks that fast, TSGITW.  Do you even know how far away that is?  I’m starting to think you’re not as smart as I claim you are.

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Filed under Dreams, I Probably Am Made of Vegetables

This Halloween I’m Going To Be “Girl Without Health Insurance Tempts Fate”

So, I successfully made a pair of hooves out of a pair of 8″ heels.

But deep down inside, they’re still 8″ heels.

Wish me luck walking.

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Filed under Halloween is the Most Important Day of the Year

Someone Broke Into My Apartment Last Night!

It was Q.  You got scared for a second there, didn’t you?  I WISH I’d had a camera, because it was probably the coolest and most alarming thing I’ve ever seen.  He scaled up the side of the building like Spiderman (and I do not live on the first floor), ripped out a screen, climbed in the window, and then let me in the door.  It was awesome, except then I was like, “Jeebus, you just did that way too easily.  I’m never breaking up with you because you scare me.”  And then he threatened to kill me if I ever left him.  And then I threatened to kill him first if he ever left me again, and then I think that made him feel bad for leaving me before because then he made me dinner.

The reason Q had to break into my apartment is because Elbat refused to let me in because I’m an idiot who walks out without my keys on a regular basis and also because he’s a cat and cats can’t open doors, even though I think they could if they wanted to, but they just want you to do everything for them. I couldn’t go get my spare because it was like 3 a.m. and my mom would have probably hit Q with a baseball bat if he had broken into her house at 3 a.m. (thinking he was a burglar, not because she walks around hitting people with baseball bats).   So I had Q scale up the side of my building because I’m considerate.  (In retrospect, we’re both real lucky he didn’t fall and die.)  And now I’m thinking that maybe he and I should break into houses instead of painting them because we might make more money that way.  It’s a little riskier, but it would sound way cooler when someone asks me what I do.

Example 1:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I own a residential painting company.  We also do junk hauling, power washing, and various other labor-intensive things that people don’t feel like doing themselves.  Here’s my card.  I can also walk your dog.  Or cat.  Whatever you need.  I’m kind of like a prostitute, but for manual labor, not sex.”

Stranger: “Cool, I was actually looking for someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “Did you just do air quotes when you said ‘clean out my gutters’?”

Stranger: “No, I actually need someone to clean out my gutters.”

Me: “You’re an asshole.  Find someone else to ‘clean out your gutters’, pervert.”


Example 2:

Stranger: “So what do you do?”

Me: “I break into people’s houses in the middle of the night and steal anything I think I can unload at the pawn shop for a decent amount of cash.”

Stranger: “What?”

Me: “I just lifted your wallet and your house key.  See you later.”


See how much cooler Example 2 sounds?  In Example 1, I just sound like a jerk.  By the way, Q and I decided to start a business since I couldn’t find a full time job.  I’m still scraping by, but hopefully things’ll pick up, because working for yourself is a million times more awesome than working for someone else.  Terrifyingly unsteady, but still way more awesome.

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Filed under Adventures with Q, I Am a Business Owner