Don’t Read This If You’re Sensitive To Snowman Racial Issues
One year I made a snowman and then I filled a spray bottle with water and blue food coloring and sprayed the whole thing blue. It was awesome. A couple years later (tonight), this conversation happened:
Mom: “We should make a snowman tomorrow!”
Me: “Will you actually make one with me this time instead of saying you will but then letting me roll around your yard all by myself like that one time when all your neighbors probably thought I was either retarded or really lonely because I was like 25 and making a snowman ALL BY MYSELF?”
Mom: “Oh! Was that the time you sprayed it blue? That was awesome. Shoot, we should’ve gotten food coloring when we were at the store.”
Dad: “We have Kool-Aid.”
Mom: “That would work!”
Dad: “Um, let’s see, we have black cherry–”
Me: “Yeah, let’s make a black snowman. Out of Kool-Aid.”
Mom: “Oh lord, we’d offend someone.”
Dad: “Y’know what though? Why they always gotta be white? I’m a little offended about that.”
The Mona Sarah
I just noticed this while adding a photo to my blog:
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And so I had to do this:
"The Mona Sarah"
Speaking of how smart I am…
Q: “Let’s move to Hawaii.”
Me: “Okay!”
Q: “There’s a word for people like me there, half Samoan or Asian or whatever.”
Me: “Hoppa?”
Q: “Yeah, hoppa. Wait, how do you know that word?”
Me: “I dunno.”
Q: “No, where did you hear that?”
Me: “I just know things.”
Q: “Why are you trying not to laugh? How do you know that word?”
Me: “Nothing, I just heard it somewhere.”
Q: “Where did you hear it?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Q: “I’m not going to drop this. Where did you hear it?”
Me: “Just, a tv show.”
Q: “What tv show?”
Me: “I don’t wanna say.”
Q: “Come on.”
Me: “I don’t wanna say.”
Q: “Something on the History Channel?”
Me: “No.”
Q: “PBS?”
Me: “No.”
Q: “Something stupid on MTV or VH1?”
Me: “Psh, no.”
Q: “Tell me!”
Me: “No!”
Q: “Tell me!”
Me: “FINE, I LEARNED IT FROM TYRA ON AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.”
Q: “Oh.”
Me: “See, a minute ago you thought I was smart for knowing the word hoppa. Now you think I’m stupid for watching America’s Next Top Model. You should just leave my sources of information alone. Oh, here’s your change from when I went to the grocery store yesterday.”
Q: “…These are beer bottle caps.”
Filed under My Awesome Photoshop Skillz
My Arm Is Oozing Plasma
It’s gross.
Q gave me a tattoo for my birthday, and that’s why my arm is leaking. It’s the most awesomest thing ever. I’ll post a picture when it’s not gross anymore.
Vegetarian Zombies
This is like the THIRD time I’ve had a dream about zombies who only eat vegetables. And yet, for some reason, I’m still terrified and running away from them. It’s like, deep down, I think I’m made of vegetables.
And then I also wonder, why, if they only eat vegetables, are they all covered in blood? Is it actually beet juice? Are they putting ketchup on their leafy greens? That’s gross.
And also, how are they multiplying if they’re not biting people? Is it like, if you eat from the same head of lettuce as a zombie, then you’ll turn into a zombie too? If that’s the case, then why am I so afraid?? Just don’t eat the lettuce! Look, I’m doing it right now. I’m not eating lettuce.
Also, on a sad note, TSGITW moved to Nova Scotia. And yet, we’re still supposed to meet for coffee in like, a day. I’m curious to see how you’re going to drive from Nova Scotia to Starbucks that fast, TSGITW. Do you even know how far away that is? I’m starting to think you’re not as smart as I claim you are.
Filed under Dreams, I Probably Am Made of Vegetables
